Everything comes in waves, they said
And I knew then, and I know now that yes, maybe things do come in waves but that does not make things lighter – it does not lift that burden of fear within you, embedded right within your core from the last time a wave of nothingness blindsided you.
The most frustrating thing, amongst all the circadian rhythms of life, is feeling distorted and unbalanced. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), they say, is seasonal; there is a beginning and an ending and another beginning. But sometimes it is not so seasonal, sometimes it lingers just a bit longer than it should.
After acknowledging that you have SAD, one would assume it is easier – to accept, to lessen, to prevent and even to stay hopeful for the day it all passes. Maybe it is easier, but sometimes it does not seem that way – sometimes, like now when the seasons have actually changed and so have the clocks there is a certain impatience that rings loud within you asking, why then, have you not. Currently, this has me seeking left right and center for answers of why my mental health has not transitioned just as the new life outside has. This quest which initially revolved around self-love, I feel, is slowly being shadowed by an abundance of restlessness and I am simply getting tired.
I cannot fathom how many times I desperately affirmed myself; in my journal, in front of the mirror before my morning shower. Seeking oneness and function within myself when seasonal affective disorder took too long to leave. It is spring, why have you not left? I have done my nails and my hair and I am spending so much time out on the balcony. I have made a schedule for myself and it includes exercising and I try wake up early enough to meditate. Please leave. I wake up in the morning thankful for the day ahead of me regardless of how I’m feeling even if it is nothing that I am feeling. I seek for guidance in everything, I have bought a novel to read, I even skim over my housemate’s vegetarian recipe book occasionally to make sure I am eating my five a day. I am trying to confront things and not dwell on them at the same time. I swear I am trying with my self-discipline and I am really devoting myself to myself and going for countless live gigs and poetry slams. TED talks? Yes, even YouTube has a personalised recommendation list for me. Speaking to friends and family? Well. I swear I am trying to manage my triggers and go to only spaces where I am welcomed. I keep on forgiving myself for calling myself lazy and hypersensitive when I know what it really is. I forgive myself for this and tell myself to breathe and start afresh, and relish in the renewal – upwards and onwards. But I am tired of renewal and seeking and renewal when will I be able to get through with it already?
To be able?
It’s the exhaustion isn’t it? Sometimes a feeling like that, which transcends past the physical state, is what triggers you the most.The subsequent events branching from it; visionless visions, frustrations of failed intentions, frustrations of being stagnant when everything else is still in motion. It is a lot. To feel yourself un-becoming but trying nonetheless to prevent things from slipping under when things are slipping under. I commend anyone who has ever lived through this; no – not the resilience not the transitioning to greatness part I mean the ugliness of confronting, the waiting part the patience part – you are everything, you are also very much not alone. I cannot put a time-frame on things, for you or for myself but may this pass, and may the next wave be divine.
Do you not know you are an entire embodiment of the moon? Through the waxing and the waning and the waxing and the waning – I hope you still get to recognise the glory that is yourself. Afterall, ‘the moon is still the moon in all of its phases,’ – Isra Al-Thibeh.
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